Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

More Chains

When I look back now I see how many things that happened to me, that I could’ve avoided, hurt me or caused hurt. Some of these things God warned me about, but I was blind. Things like lies. The times I hurt my parents the most was when they discovered my secrets. Things I had lied to them about. If I had just gone to them from the beginning they would have helped me and a lot of pain would’ve been spared. But I was scared: I was scared of judgement and punishment. Decisions based on fear are usually unhealthy decisions. We need to ask God for strength, guidance and courage. He will give it to us.
When I look back now I’m glad for the rules I had, for if they hadn’t been there I don’t want to know how much worse my story could’ve been. Sometimes I wish my parents would’ve been even stricter, I would’ve hated it then, but now I know it really is for my own protection and out of love.
Don’t believe the lies the world tells you about yourself. Seek God when it comes to who you are. Seek freedom, freedom from secrets and lies and fear. God wants you to be free just as He has set me free. Sometimes the healing process is even more difficult than the event where the pain was caused, but there’s a difference. This pain is leading to wholeness. The other pain just festers, it’s never-ending. The pain of healing is temporary, and if you just push through you will find freedom. Hang in there as God scrapes the dirt out of your wounds, it is so that they can finally heal.

Finally I can truly say that I have been set free by the Grace of God undeservingly.
He has broken the chains that held me down because of my past.

Isaiah 61:3
"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own Glory."
Isaiah 61:10
"I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness."

My new view on Guilt

During one of our first touring cycles a large part of the emotions I had not managed to deal with in therapy came out. Something one of my friends said triggered me and all the guilt and regret and pain from the past came pouring out. I couldn’t stop crying. But as the tears stained my face, God’s blood was healing my heart. Facing it made it all better and I could finally let go. I still struggle with regret sometimes; I wish it could’ve been different. But I know in God’s eyes I am a virgin again, and that He has wiped my slate clean. All my old sins are gone. I pray for a man who will be able to forgive me with God’s heart one day, everyday. I know he’s out there somewhere, and when I find him he’s going to be all I’ve ever wanted and more.
When it comes to guilt though I’ve discovered a new way to look at it. In the book ‘Beauty for Ashes’ by Joyce Meyer she states that guilt is like telling God the sacrifice He made by sending His Son down to die on the cross was not good enough. You’re saying your sin is too big for that; He’ll just have to come up with a bigger sacrifice. And that’s not true. Jesus dying on the cross was the ultimate sacrifice; no sin is bigger than that. All we have to do is accept the forgiveness. If we don’t, we let the devil get his way. When we allow sin to come in between us and God, the Devil laughs. That’s exactly what he wants, and he’ll keep telling you lies, and he’ll try to make you feel guilty to accomplish that. If you ask for forgiveness, God can’t force you to accept it, you have to make the decision and take it. Go on, He’s waiting. And trust me, it’s worth it; a guilt-free life is amazing.

“God is for you, He wants you to be for you.
The devil is against you, he wants you to be against you.
Since Jesus bore your sins on the cross, along with the hatred, rejection, and condemnation they deserved, you do not have to reject or hate yourself anymore.” -Joyce Meyer-

Monday, September 22, 2008


I did fall again this year. A guy who is on team with me caught me off guard with an amazing friendship. One thing led to another and I started liking for him, a lot. We both tried to run but it just didn’t seem to work. I had my promise to consider.
We were basically in a relationship without a title. It was a healthy relationship in many ways, but neither of us was really ready to be in a relationship, and I’m still not ready to get married. I’m still on the journey of finding my heart. I still can’t give it away. I knew I wasn’t ready, but I was stubborn, I wanted to do my own thing. I was reluctant to obey what God had been telling me the whole year. This carried on for months, but eventually I had to tell him no. It was very difficult, as he had given a lot. I could’ve avoided some of the pain if I had just been obedient, but I didn’t. Luckily I listened eventually, otherwise it could’ve been worse. Also, one day as I was reading Song of Songs, a verse there caught my eye. I’ve read this book many times before, but this time that one specific verse stood out. Song of Songs 2:7b “for why should I wander like a prostitute among your friends and their flocks.” This gave me new motivation to stick to my promise.
The guy and I are friends now, and it all turned out ok. I learnt a lot, and I managed to control myself a whole lot better than in the past.
So just because God is in my life now, doesn’t mean everything is going to smooth from now. I still make a whole lot of mistakes, but instead of running away and hiding from God, I run straight towards Him and I say sorry. And then I accept His forgiveness. It makes all the difference.

Proverbs 6:22
“An evil man is held captive by his sin; they are ropes that catch and hold him”
Isaiah 1:18
“Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are like red crimson, I will make them white as snow.”


As I started the process of making new friends, the effects of my school days came out. I was still seeking acceptance. I didn’t realize how much I relied on it until I went back into my past and saw how much rejection I had actually experienced. I never even realized it before. But now I could work on it. I have to keep reminding myself that only God’s opinion counts when I want to change myself to fit in. I keep reprimanding myself, and I think about what I’m doing more because now I know that I have a problem. And it’s been going really well. Since I’ve forgiven myself, and started loving myself, others have loved me more as well, they have loved the real me, not me plus alcohol, or whatever other masks I use to wear. I have finally found a freedom that’s real. A freedom in God. But don’t think everything’s perfect now. I still struggle a lot, but now I’m not doing it alone. I have God to help me, and the Holy Spirit to guide me.

Matt 18:19-20
“I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in Heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as followers, I am there among them.”

The Promise

During our training period I realized that being with Wayne was not good for me anymore. He was at his first year of university and I was on a mission year. I was slowly but surely stopping my old life, and he was getting deeper and deeper into partying. We were fighting more and more, and it just wasn’t working. I also felt God urging me to leave him, I was just going to hurt him as I was far from ready to be in a relationship. So, I left him, and it wasn’t easy. But after four months of being together it probably should’ve been even harder. That’s when I realized how far away I had really buried my heart.
I made a promise to stay single until I’m ready to get married, and until I’m pretty sure the boy has potential to become my husband. My new view on relationships is that when you enter into a relationship, there are only two possible endings: you either get married, or you break up. So if you’re not ready to get married, well chances are you’re going to break up and get hurt, as well as cause hurt. I don’t want that ending anymore.
I still struggled with the pain I had caused in my past. It took very long for me to forgive myself, but eventually I did. And I could move on, and become closer to God. My biggest challenge would be to learn to seek love from God and not from men. And that sounds a whole lot easier than it is. Old habits die hard. But I knew God would help me, and that I would get there eventually.

Proverbs 3:12
“For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights”

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Picked up . . . Finally

So on the 4th of January I started my mission year (it’s a performing arts ministry by the way). New faces, new people, new beginnings. Now in the past this had not been a good thing for me, but I was hoping this time would be different! I was right. This year has been amazing, I’ve learnt so much. God picked me up and turned my ashes into beauty.
In the first four months of the year we had training. In this time we learnt productions and attended teachings. The teachings were designed to help us grow spiritually through healing processes and by receiving new knowledge about God. Every morning we had a slot for bible study, and each day was filled with God. We also had an option to go for counseling. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, but I went anyway, just to make sure. I’m glad I did! At the sessions I started facing the pain of my past. The pain I had hidden away for so long. I started to experience freedom and forgiveness. I worked through both my bad experiences with men, and I forgave them. It wasn’t easy, but I learnt that “harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping you enemy will die” - Joyce Meyer. I also finally let go of the men who still had pieces of my heart. I had to have someone pray for me to break the soul ties, but once that was done, it made the whole process a whole lot easier. God really came through on His promises. But I still had a long road ahead of me. This year wasn’t all fun and games.

Psalm 73:26
“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.”

A Wounded Heart

Far away in the depth of me
In the shadows of my soul
My heart is playing childishly
Hiding in the darkest holes

Longing to be whole again
Longing to be loved
Yet scared of being scarred again
Wounded by given love

Run my fingers along the scars
Feel the cracks and holes
A hand tries to open them
Please God No!

My heart can’t be given again
I don’t know where it is
The pain has made it hide away
The pain of giving love
Please teach me how to love again
Go find my wounded heart
I long to give it away again
As a whole and flawless heart

The only one who can heal my pain
I’ve hidden from so long
How do I ask for your love again
Me, the dirty broken one

You say your mercy never ends
And I suppose it’s true
But am I worthy of your mercy God
Am I good enough for you?

Why won’t you give up on me?
Why don’t you ever let go?
Why is your love so comforting?
Why do I long for it so?

I know I’m the one that’s running
I know you’re always near
Give me the strength to turn around
And see that you are there

Summer Loving

I once again locked my emotions away at the back of my mind, refusing to tell anybody. I didn’t want to face it. I started partying a lot again. A few months later at an event I met a little heartbreaker named Wayne. As you’ve probably noticed, I looked for my love from guys. And a guy is never going to be able to give the love we desire, only God can give us that unconditional love. I hadn’t learnt that yet though. Anyway, Wayne was also a party animal, and boy was he sexy. He was a real gentleman, and he made me feel like a princess. We started dating. We went on holiday together, his parents loved me, my parents loved him; everything was perfect. So, I was once again in a relationship, but there was one difference, no matter how hard I tried to love Wayne, I couldn’t seem to find my heart. It was so far hidden away, not even I could find it. Only God would be able to teach me to love again.
I still had emptiness inside yet again, as I had once again let go of God. I was tired of trying . . . but God had not let go of me. Even though I had absolutely no relationship with God I still wanted to do the mission year. I had no idea why.

Psalm 71:1-3
“O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free. Be my rock of safety where I can always hide, give the order to save me, for you are my rock and fortress.”


I stayed out of any serious relationships for about a year. I attempted a relationship with God, and it went quite well. I never forgave myself though, and I never forgot the pieces of my heart. Michael stuck . . . I didn’t forget Sean either, missed him sometimes too. It took a lot to not run back to him. The thing is, I had been so young, and I had given so much. I was too young . . . if that’s one thing I’ve come to understand through al this It’s Song of Songs 3:5 “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.” I awoke Love too early. I gave too much too quickly. And it broke me. Some people have scars because of their childhoods, some people were abused . . . Me? I made my own decisions. I screwed up my own life. I wish I had just listened and not become so serious. I could’ve prevented so much pain, for me, and for others. I caused so much pain through my foolishness.
I decided to stop. I was doing very well, keeping to my new promises. I wasn’t exactly the most devoted Christian, but I was doing much better. It was about this time that I decided that I wanted to do a mission year the next year.
Around the second half of the year I started becoming closer with one of my friends from school. I liked him a lot, and he respected me. He would come over and watch DVDs and just hang out with me. He kissed me a few times, but that was it, he never even tried more. Anyway, one weekend he invited me to go to a 21st with him. We were going to go with his parents and sleep over at is uncle’s house as it was out of town. It was a lot of fun, but as at a typical 21st the alcohol was flowing. His mom is real party animal, and so is he, so we all just had fun. That night when we got to his uncle’s house he kissed me again, I noticed an aggression in him that I had not noticed before. He started forcing himself on me, and didn’t take no for an answer. That night was an exact repetition of the night at the rugby. It was too much for me to handle.
I once again completely ran away and hid away. As my one friend always says, it’s as if the higher you climb, the harder you fall. I had made so much progress, but after this happened I fell so hard it felt like I would never get up again. I was done trying.
I immediately told one of my Christian friends, he prayed for me and I asked for forgiveness, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t forgive myself. I hated myself too much.

Psalm 69:14-15
“Rescue me from the mud; don’t let me sink any deeper! Save me from those who hate me, and pull me from these deep waters. Don’t let the flood overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me.

God and Another secret revealed

My best friend at this stage, Sarah, was going through pretty much the same stuff as I was. She was also partying just as hard as I was. One of her Christian friends invited us to a sell group one evening. He said that he had been praying for her and that he was very worried about her. We thought he was crazy but we went anyway. There was a prophet at the sell that week who spoke truth into many people’s lives. Including Sarah’s and mine. It was amazing; he definitely got our attention. We made a new commitment to God that evening together. We started praying together and going to church and actually wanting to be there. It was amazing.
Sean stayed jealous. He just couldn’t seem to let go. My friend invited me to go on holiday, to Mozambique, with him December of my Gr. 11 year. I was very excited. Sean wasn’t excited when he found out though. Not at all. He wrote an sms, which in detail described everything I had ever done wrong, plus a few things he made up himself, and sent it to my mom. Ouch!
As I said before, the truth always comes out. At first I denied it, but as the evidence came out my parents knew it was true. So as as result of my stupidity, I once again caused so much pain . . . my parents had given me their trust even after I betrayed them, and I once again broke it. That was the first time I saw my dad cry. But I told them about my new commitment, and that I had already decided to stop, and start over. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually they believed me, and gave me another chance. God had reached me just in time, and luckily He had worked in my parent’s hearts.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Guilt guilt guilt

Sean and I stayed friends well into the next year, but not just normal friends. Our physical relationship was too developed to just stop. I never committed again though. He even asked me to marry him; I was seventeen. He tried to get me pregnant. He probably could’ve succeeded, but God’s hand had been on me, and by His grace only had I never became pregnant. I attempted a relationship with God a few times, once again. But each time I recommitted, I would fall back. Sex was the one thing that made me feel so guilty that I would run away from God completely. I soon gave up, what’s the use of saying sorry if I’m just gonna do it again anyway. I was becoming more and more lost, and burying my heart deeper and deeper. Sean and I soon broke off the friendship, it was too much for him that I couldn’t commit, and I wasn’t gonna change my mind. So I carried on partying and running away. ‘Enjoying’ my so-called fun life.

A twisted circle of lies, hurt, sin and confusion

I now had soul ties with both Michael and Sean. Pieces of my heart were gone. I was broken and lost and I didn’t know what to do about it. And I couldn’t seem to forget these boys, especially Michael. My relationship with my parents was in shatters. Too many secrets and lies were between us. I started partying, running away from pain. My friends and I would sneak out and go to clubs. We would drink and play around with boys and just have fun. But I stayed empty, and no amount of partying could fill that void. Sean and I started dating again. We were together for a month, a month filled with nothing, I missed Michael, and he didn’t want me anymore. According to him, I had chosen Sean. He had started partying too.
When I broke up with Sean once again, I took my heart with me. I couldn’t take it anymore; I was determined to forget. I tried to get Michael back, but he was stubborn. I was hurting. I locked away my heart.
My relationship with God was nowhere to be found. I felt abandoned. But I was the one hiding away, not Him. I was the one trying to carry all my sin by myself. I couldn’t let go. I had given up trying. And even if God forgave me, how could I ever forgive myself?

Friday, September 19, 2008

The boy who completely stole my heart

I carried on trying to get out of my relationship, and continually confused myself about how I felt. Things between Sean and I were not going well; I was once again on the verge of leaving him when I went for coffee with one of my girlfriends. Whilst at the mall we ran in to one of her boyfriend’s friends. He seemed friendly, but I was determined to keep my eyes on one guy only. He invited us to come to one of his bands gigs that evening. I loved music so I was very excited to go. Michael: a singing guitarist who plays in a band; a bundle of energy with a whole lot of love to give. I don’t think I’ve ever been greeted with that much enthusiasm before, and once he got on the stage and picked up that guitar, it was over. I was in love. Michael was all the motivation I needed to finally break up with Sean. It wasn’t long before Michael and I were dating. And oh what a fun relationship we had. We were always out doing something: whether it was having a braai at his house, or a party, or going out for lunch, or a movie, going to gigs, or just chilling with his parents. I enjoyed every moment. He loved my music and was always motivating me to practice my guitar, and sing. He was the first person I could sing in front of without being shy. I knew he believed in me. We also spoke about the physical, I felt very guilty about my relationship with Sean, and I didn’t want it to happen again. Michael agreed.
Unfortunately, Sean was not taking the developments well at all. When he found out about Michael and me he phoned me and threw all kinds of threats of suicide at me. I didn’t know how to handle it, I hated seeing him hurt, but I couldn’t be trapped anymore. I was also struggling to get rid of habit. I was so used to being with Sean that I still missed him, even though Michael made me so happy. It’s so difficult to just forget about someone you loved for so long. This hurt Michael, but he still stayed with me and tried to help me get over Sean. About two months into our relationship Michael turned 18. We had a party for him on a plot just outside the city. It was awesome. That night one of his best friends died . . . It was horrible. He was devastated. But we went through it together and it brought us much closer. A lot of other things happened to him and me, that were bad which strengthened the bond between us. Anyway, back to his 18th. His parents and I also organized a surprise party for him, on the exact day, with just close friends at a restaurant he used to work for. What a jol, but things got a little bit out of hand when the manager arrived and started buying us shooters. We got hammered! When we got home, hormones were once again flying. We forgot our promise about the physical that evening, and I couldn’t look him in the eye the next morning. What had I done, why couldn’t I stop? I was so caught up in this circle of sin and I just couldn’t seem to get out.
I attempted to ask God to forgive me quite a few times before, but each time I would just fall back. I just couldn’t seem to stick to my promises. I hated myself for it.
The guilt was too much, and Michael could sense me pulling away. He thought it was because I was still caught up on Sean. We soon broke up.

Married at 15

Sean was so good to me; he really loved me. He smoked dagga, but he promised he would stop when he asked me out. I refused to date him if he carried on with that stuff. And so we started dating. But we were too serious. We slept together after we had been together for 4 months. We spent a lot of time together. I had almost no other friends. We would always be alone, always lying down, watching movies. I lost myself in the relationship, I lost my childishness, he forced me to grow up. I had always been a very loud, crazy type of girl who talked too much. He didn’t like that; it irritated him. He would constantly tell me to be quiet when we were in the public. But he loved me, and I loved him. I trusted him; I knew he would never hurt me on purpose. He had saved me from the world I had entered, the party world. My parents liked him, my dad wasn’t crazy about him, but they trusted me to choose my own boyfriends.
Sean still had friends, but I almost never saw them. Found out why when I discovered that he had been lying about his addiction to weed. He had never stopped. He had been lying for months.
That broke me. I had trusted him. I forgave him though, and we continued dating. I tried to get out a few times, but I couldn’t seem to completely let go. Out of habit, and fear, I stayed with him. We dated for a year.

My knight in shining Armour

During my party stage I started to long for love, a deeper love than just the physical. I wanted someone to love. One weekend my friends and I had thrown a house party at my house. I met Sean that night, an 18 year old stud. He lent us his speakers for the party. And he was just another boy with over-active hormones. The next evening I started receiving sms’s from a secret admirer, and what a charmer he had been. I wanted to know who it was though, who was this romantic boy that praised me so? Sean soon revealed himself, and I wasn’t impressed. He was a little bit otherwise. Not a typical pretty boy, and I liked pretty boys.
I had a fight with my mother one afternoon and decided to leave home. I was tired of all the crap. I wanted to do my own thing. Sean stayed just down the road from me, so I decided to give him a call. He welcomed me into his house, even though he wasn’t there; he said it would be open. I had been there for about 5 min when my mom informed me that she knew exactly where I was, the workers had seen me, I had to go home.
I invited him over the next day for coffee to say thank you for his hospitality, and his speakers were still at my house. We ended up having quite a good time, it seemed he wasn’t as bad as I had thought, and the chemistry was good. Definitely good enough to be a potential boyfriend. That evening we shared our first kiss, that evening I entered into my first really serious relationship.

The truth always comes out!

I couldn’t write down what had happened to me for a very long time. That made it real. I did however tell Lucy, even though we hadn’t really clicked at school, I still trusted her. I needed someone to confide in. She decided to tell her mom, who just happened to be my mom’s best friend. And her mom, of course, told my mom.
I had finally decided it was time to face reality and write about that night in my journal, the next day my mom went to my journal to seek evidence of what she had heard. Just my luck. The truth always comes out. I couldn’t deny it anymore. They knew, and they were so disappointed! It killed me to see them that way. I was so angry with Lucy, why had she been so stupid? But had she really been stupid? Or had she just been a friend who really loved me. Having my parents know really helped me. The secret had built such a wall between us, my guilt had pushed me away from them; fear had pushed me away from them. But now, they could help me through it, they could support me. I am really lucky to have the parents that I do; they really loved me through everything.
It wasn’t all fun and games though; they became stricter and set more boundaries. I hated it then, I’m thankful for it now.

Proverbs 28:7
“Young people who obey the law are wise; those with wild friends bring shame to their parents”

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Guilt . . . Running away . . . Poison . . .

And so I went on my first guilt trip. My first game of hide and go seek with God. I blamed myself of course. But I don’t like pain, I don’t like facing things, or so I realize now. All I knew then was it wasn’t that bad, I just sort of justified it for myself, I mean I was still cool wasn’t I, that made me OK. I felt very guilty though; I basically broke off my relationship with God. I couldn’t face Him. This time I had gone too far. I would just have to survive on my own.
I stayed friends with David, pretended nothing ever happened. That didn’t stop the rumours though; people were talking . . . a lot. They knew I had slept over, they knew I had been drunk; they knew David. I learnt how to lie, quickly. I wasn’t gonna allow my secret to come out. I denied it left and right; soon I could lie without even thinking. I lied to everybody, especially my parents.
I started to really enjoy this new life, partied a lot, hung out with my cool crowd, kissed a few guys, flirted with a lot of guys, lost myself, forgot my truths. I appeared happy, I tried to convince myself I was, but it was an act.
I had a hole inside.

Trapped in Freedom

A young girl entering a grown up’s world
A young girl blinded by foolishness
If only then I had known what it meant
If only then I had held on tighter

Why did I listen to what the world told me?
Why didn’t I listen to my hearts cry?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?

The sweet sounds of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of stranger
The liquid’s crispness on my lips
The whirl of undiscovered places in my head

Right and wrong, a confusion of words
Cry, laugh, scream, silence
A well of tears as it drifts away
A stubborn heart won’t face the void

Why did I allow you to try, to succeed?
Why did I surround myself with this?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?

The sweet sound of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of a stranger
The sweet freedom drowned in bitterness
The young girl trapped, her innocence stolen.

I could’ve done more
Maybe he would’ve listened
I should’ve been stronger
Maybe he would’ve given up
I’m the one to blame
I gave consent
It was against my will
But I said yes in the end
It was against my will
I should’ve said no again
Again again again

The sweet sound that lured me into its trap
The seductive stranger that stole a piece of me
I won’t stop here, I’ll carry on.
The pain safely buried, unreachable.

My Life Undone

Popularity, every school kids dream. I could pick between the guys, I got attention. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Everything I had ever wanted, Right?
I started becoming friends with a group of girls who were basically the 'head girl' group. The typical prefect candidates, the right kind of friends. But, I didn;t feel welcome yet again, I was the odd one out, and the new found glory had gone to my head, I liked the idea of being able to pick my friends, and I was still seeking complete acceptance, so I looked for new friends, cooler friends.
I ended up becoming friends with the so called 'wash-outs', the naughty yet very hot boys. We were three girls, friends with a bunch of boys. They accepted me, can't really say the reasons were good ones though, at least for some of them. I started kind of dating the one guy, very hot, but that was about it! hehe
At this stage of my life I had never been drunk before. I had had one or two drinks with friends, but never a lot. So, when my new friends invited me to go watch rugby and party with them I didn't hesitate to go. When I arrived they were already going strong. After the rugby we were invited to one of the booths at the stadium to have a few drinks with some other friends, free. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to have my first real experience with alcohol, I mean, I was with my friends, they would take care of me, I was safe, Right? Well they did take care of me, in more ways than one.

As we were all walking away from the booth, everybody very jolly, my one friend, David, informed me that my 'boyfriend' had just asked him if it was OK if he went for his ex, so much for our bright future. I was hurt, and mad, I wanted to spite him, so I kissed David as soon as we had dropped him off at home. We soon arrived at David's house, and hormones were flying. I was drunk, but I was uncomfortable. I could sense trouble coming.
So I warned him, a few times, that we must be careful, we must not sleep together. He agreed of course, every time. Eventually he informed me that I would be sharing his bed with him, I didn't care, especially in my state, I just wanted to go to bed. He just wanted to carry on kissing me. I carried on telling him that I didn't want to sleep with him, he started trying anyway. I carried on saying no, he carried on trying. Eventually I gave in, he wasn't gonna stop anyway, and I wasn't thinking straight. I lost my virginity that night.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

New Beginnings, not always so good

I had one other friend in Gr9. She was a hockey player, so spent most of her time with the hockey team. She was a good friend, but I still wanted acceptance.
We had a family friend whose daughter, Lucy, I had known since birth. She is one year younger than me and we always got on great. She attended another school though. Her school sounded fun and apparantly the clicks weren't as prominent as the school I attended. So, at the beginning of Gr.10 I decided to move schools.
Now, when I had started Gr.8 I hadn't exactly been a beauty. I had had very very curly hair, which I didn't know how to manage, braces, and no fashion sence what so ever. But by the end of Gr.9 I had discovered straighteners, make-up and fashion. Oh and my braces had been removed.
So when I started at the new school, I suddenly got noticed. I was the 'new girl'. Good or Bad?
I didn't know how to handle this sudden popularity, so in my case it turned out very bad.

Proverbs 11:2
"Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My first high school failure

Sally, my first real friend in my new school. . . She seemed so nice, we got along great, and she liked me. Sometimes her stories seemed a bit far fetched, but hey we were friends. As we became closer, her true colours started to show. Man did she love boys, they didn't like her so much, but she liked to pretend they did. This was a bad combination. She was always going on about all her boyfriends. . . She even tried her luck with a few of the older boys, so she started to get a reputation. I was her best friend, so guess what happened to me? It was assumed I was the same. Soon we had a whole bunch of enemies, a lot of them had been potential friends, especially older girls. I stayed friends with Sally that year despite the bad stuff. I'm the type of person who likes to c the good in people, and we had good times, but after a while I couldn't handle the reputation anymore.
We ended our friendship and I set out to redeem myself. I guess what you think of yourself influences what others think of you and how they experience you a lot. I didn't like myself, I irritated myself, and so others didn't like me much either. That was one skew circle that wasn't gonna end until I made some changes and did something about it.

Isiah 53:5
"But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed."

Monday, August 25, 2008


Earlier I spoke a little about Christianity, and what role it played in my life. . . To add some depth to that: My religious life was like a roller coaster. I went through highs and lows, I could never find a balance. When we made the big move in Gr 4 we joined a church in our street, I went to Sunday school etc. but it was all just a habit. When I was in Gr 7 we moved churches. Our new church was much more lively, and they had services especially for the youth. This way of ministering was much more appealing to me, and got my attention. I made my first personal commitment to God that year, I can't remember the exact date. . . Unfortunately I didn't grasp the fact that a relationship with God was not all that different to a relationship with a friend: it was a two sided thing, I had to make an effort too. And I didn't, I didn't understand how, nor did I have the desire to do so yet. . . So that didn't last very long. . .

Sunday, August 24, 2008

High School continued

Jack and Natalie were Gr 10 when i started high school. Jack's brother was matric and had a car! I got a lift with him in the mornings, I thought I was super cool driving around with a matric. Unfortunately when I got out of the car in the morning, our friendship with my housemates pretty much got put on hold till we got home. They weren't so cool after all, and they were older, so they didn't really want to be seen hanging out with a Gr 8. I tried spending time with them in the beginning, but soon gave up. It wasn't working. So the plan of having them as my friends in high school pretty much failed. Might as well have gone to a school with my primary school friends, atleast then i would've known somebody who was going through the same changes I was, and who was the same age as me. But I had made the decision, and now I had to try and make the best of it. I didn't like myself very much at that stage of my life. I based my opinion of myself on what others thought of me, and not on what God thought of me. That's where I made my mistake.

"But I have come to understand that I do not have to be perfect in order to receive acceptance, love, and help from the Lord, neither do you." -Joyce Meyer-

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Fitting in

Initiation was fun, I started meeting new people and I loved the school spirit. I was a bit lost though as most of the girls had already formed clicks. I didn't fit in anywhere. There were a few other people who were alone, but they soon found spots amongst the clicks as they had something in common with them. For example, the whole hockey team were friends, same with netball, and all the skaters hung out together, then off course there were all the clever kids who studied hard, and the computer fanatics, oh, and the ballerina's. . . I couldn't be classified in any of these groups. I did good academically, but still hated studying, and I loved music, but that was about it. So, i swerved from one group to the next not ever really feeling comfortable or accepted in any of them. It felt like a replay of primary school, rejection seemed to be following me no matter how hard i tried to run from it.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fearfull choices

So, primary school ended and I was faced with the big decision of which high school to attend the next year. Seeing as I had basically no friends in my primary school, i chose the high school my friends from the estate attended. I was the only kid in my primary school going there. I walked in the first day alone, not knowing anybody my age. I was excited, yet terrified.

Prov 3:24,24
"you can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. . . For the Lord is you security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap."


Jack, my first real crush, my first real boyfriend, my first real heart break. He taught me so much, i mean he gave me my first kiss, my first physical love from a boy. He was the first guy who really liked me in a relationship way, he accepted me.
I realise now that i had been too young to have already had a heart break, to already she tears over a boy, way too young to have been exploring that kind of love.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Home is where the heart is!

The end of Gr 5 we moved to an estate. I have a little brother by the way. He's 3 years younger than me, and at that stage of my life, the most irritating person on earth.
Anyway, it this estate i met some new people. . . One was an older boy named Jack, oooh and how fascinating and attractive he was! We became friends when i was in Gr 6. He was in Gr 8, so he was older and attractive and he gave me the time of day, so you can just imagine how intrigued i was. He also had an older brother who was in Gr 10. They became like my two older brothers, and they taught me a lot. I really loved those boys, but i didn't only want to be friends with Jack, i wanted him to be my first real boyfriend. I made some other friends aswell. One girl, Natalie, was the same age as Jack. She encouraged me to grow up before my time, wasn't really a wise decision on my part to become her friend. She introduced me to alcohol, lies and many other things. Memories of that stage of my life are quite vague, but one experience i very clearly recall is my first kiss. Natalie knew about my crush, and she loved encouraging it. So somewhere in the beginning of Gr 7 she dared me to kiss Jack. . . I was naive and wanted a kiss, so i took up the dare, it was quite an embarrassing experience. Not exactly a dream come true first kiss, but i made the choice!
At the end of Gr 7 he finally noticed me in a different way, and we started dating.

Rom 10:10
"for it is by beleiving in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

OK Let's begin

The best place to start. . . The beginning
I grew up in a happy home: I had loving parents, wonderful grandparents and a home filled with laughter and music (one thing I remember clearly, daddy loved music!)So basically, I can't blame my parents or my childhood for the things that happened to me and the decisions I made, I screwed up my life all on my own!

God had always been a part of my life. I was part of a Christian household, we attended church, I was baptized etc. but I never had a personal relationship with God. I never made my own a decision to follow Him. . . But more about that later.

When I finished Gr3 we moved to a different city. My dad had been offered a new position at work. So, that meant new house, new neighbourhood, new friends, new everything! I didn't mind much though, I was pretty happy go lucky!

Primary school pretty much came and went.
The only issues I really had was keeping friends, and I was kind of invisible. I always wanted to be seen. Not fitting in was something that bothered me. I wasn't as skinny as the other girls, my hair didn't look like theirs, I didn't dance as well as they did, the boys didn't like me as much as they liked them, I got told I was irratating, I spoke too much, and I laughed funny. I was the one who would regularly be targetted when they played pee-shooting games (and it wasn't always with little pieces of paper), I don't even remember how many times they made me cry. . . Hiding unhappiness was something I was good at though, even from myself.

I had a new best friend every year. . . I had one boyfriend in school, who ended up leaving me for my best friend at that stage. And it seemed to me that only the dorky boys crushed on me, and I wanted to be cool. . .

A highlight of my gr 7 year: My so called best friend at that stage, Lucy (for my own safety, and the safety of others I'm using fictitious names), started writing me horrible letters about how bad and stupid and irratating I was (some best friend hey), but anyway, my mom found the letters in my suitcase and decided to phone her mom and do something about it. When I found this out, I was very mad of course. . . Lucy showed up the next day at school with puffy red eyes. Her mom had decided to deal with her on the way to school that morning. So obviously it was all my fault, that was the worst day of my primary school career. The girls harrassed me, chased me all the way to the bathroom. My brother got so scared that he ended up phoning my mom.

I started conforming to the way us kids thought we should be, too be cool. I succeeded, and I had been chosen as a prefect, so by the end of Gr7 I was pretty cool, not as much as the group, but I was getting there. . . Dunno how many masks I was wearing though. . .

So life at school. . . it basically Sucked!

This is me

In short. . . I had the perfect childhood, then I got a taste of popularity, alcohol, and sex. I've been raped, practically married, broken, completely lost and I'm 18. But I got through it, and even though it may sound like a cliche, I came out at the other end a better person. . . One good thing about my story? I can share it, and hopefully spare other girls from having to go through it all to learn what I have learned. . . Hopefully they can learn from my story.

Over the next few weeks I am going to share my story on this blog. Make of it what you want, take from it what you can, but please read it with an open heart.