Friday, September 19, 2008

The boy who completely stole my heart

I carried on trying to get out of my relationship, and continually confused myself about how I felt. Things between Sean and I were not going well; I was once again on the verge of leaving him when I went for coffee with one of my girlfriends. Whilst at the mall we ran in to one of her boyfriend’s friends. He seemed friendly, but I was determined to keep my eyes on one guy only. He invited us to come to one of his bands gigs that evening. I loved music so I was very excited to go. Michael: a singing guitarist who plays in a band; a bundle of energy with a whole lot of love to give. I don’t think I’ve ever been greeted with that much enthusiasm before, and once he got on the stage and picked up that guitar, it was over. I was in love. Michael was all the motivation I needed to finally break up with Sean. It wasn’t long before Michael and I were dating. And oh what a fun relationship we had. We were always out doing something: whether it was having a braai at his house, or a party, or going out for lunch, or a movie, going to gigs, or just chilling with his parents. I enjoyed every moment. He loved my music and was always motivating me to practice my guitar, and sing. He was the first person I could sing in front of without being shy. I knew he believed in me. We also spoke about the physical, I felt very guilty about my relationship with Sean, and I didn’t want it to happen again. Michael agreed.
Unfortunately, Sean was not taking the developments well at all. When he found out about Michael and me he phoned me and threw all kinds of threats of suicide at me. I didn’t know how to handle it, I hated seeing him hurt, but I couldn’t be trapped anymore. I was also struggling to get rid of habit. I was so used to being with Sean that I still missed him, even though Michael made me so happy. It’s so difficult to just forget about someone you loved for so long. This hurt Michael, but he still stayed with me and tried to help me get over Sean. About two months into our relationship Michael turned 18. We had a party for him on a plot just outside the city. It was awesome. That night one of his best friends died . . . It was horrible. He was devastated. But we went through it together and it brought us much closer. A lot of other things happened to him and me, that were bad which strengthened the bond between us. Anyway, back to his 18th. His parents and I also organized a surprise party for him, on the exact day, with just close friends at a restaurant he used to work for. What a jol, but things got a little bit out of hand when the manager arrived and started buying us shooters. We got hammered! When we got home, hormones were once again flying. We forgot our promise about the physical that evening, and I couldn’t look him in the eye the next morning. What had I done, why couldn’t I stop? I was so caught up in this circle of sin and I just couldn’t seem to get out.
I attempted to ask God to forgive me quite a few times before, but each time I would just fall back. I just couldn’t seem to stick to my promises. I hated myself for it.
The guilt was too much, and Michael could sense me pulling away. He thought it was because I was still caught up on Sean. We soon broke up.

Married at 15

Sean was so good to me; he really loved me. He smoked dagga, but he promised he would stop when he asked me out. I refused to date him if he carried on with that stuff. And so we started dating. But we were too serious. We slept together after we had been together for 4 months. We spent a lot of time together. I had almost no other friends. We would always be alone, always lying down, watching movies. I lost myself in the relationship, I lost my childishness, he forced me to grow up. I had always been a very loud, crazy type of girl who talked too much. He didn’t like that; it irritated him. He would constantly tell me to be quiet when we were in the public. But he loved me, and I loved him. I trusted him; I knew he would never hurt me on purpose. He had saved me from the world I had entered, the party world. My parents liked him, my dad wasn’t crazy about him, but they trusted me to choose my own boyfriends.
Sean still had friends, but I almost never saw them. Found out why when I discovered that he had been lying about his addiction to weed. He had never stopped. He had been lying for months.
That broke me. I had trusted him. I forgave him though, and we continued dating. I tried to get out a few times, but I couldn’t seem to completely let go. Out of habit, and fear, I stayed with him. We dated for a year.

My knight in shining Armour

During my party stage I started to long for love, a deeper love than just the physical. I wanted someone to love. One weekend my friends and I had thrown a house party at my house. I met Sean that night, an 18 year old stud. He lent us his speakers for the party. And he was just another boy with over-active hormones. The next evening I started receiving sms’s from a secret admirer, and what a charmer he had been. I wanted to know who it was though, who was this romantic boy that praised me so? Sean soon revealed himself, and I wasn’t impressed. He was a little bit otherwise. Not a typical pretty boy, and I liked pretty boys.
I had a fight with my mother one afternoon and decided to leave home. I was tired of all the crap. I wanted to do my own thing. Sean stayed just down the road from me, so I decided to give him a call. He welcomed me into his house, even though he wasn’t there; he said it would be open. I had been there for about 5 min when my mom informed me that she knew exactly where I was, the workers had seen me, I had to go home.
I invited him over the next day for coffee to say thank you for his hospitality, and his speakers were still at my house. We ended up having quite a good time, it seemed he wasn’t as bad as I had thought, and the chemistry was good. Definitely good enough to be a potential boyfriend. That evening we shared our first kiss, that evening I entered into my first really serious relationship.

The truth always comes out!

I couldn’t write down what had happened to me for a very long time. That made it real. I did however tell Lucy, even though we hadn’t really clicked at school, I still trusted her. I needed someone to confide in. She decided to tell her mom, who just happened to be my mom’s best friend. And her mom, of course, told my mom.
I had finally decided it was time to face reality and write about that night in my journal, the next day my mom went to my journal to seek evidence of what she had heard. Just my luck. The truth always comes out. I couldn’t deny it anymore. They knew, and they were so disappointed! It killed me to see them that way. I was so angry with Lucy, why had she been so stupid? But had she really been stupid? Or had she just been a friend who really loved me. Having my parents know really helped me. The secret had built such a wall between us, my guilt had pushed me away from them; fear had pushed me away from them. But now, they could help me through it, they could support me. I am really lucky to have the parents that I do; they really loved me through everything.
It wasn’t all fun and games though; they became stricter and set more boundaries. I hated it then, I’m thankful for it now.

Proverbs 28:7
“Young people who obey the law are wise; those with wild friends bring shame to their parents”