And so I went on my first guilt trip. My first game of hide and go seek with God. I blamed myself of course. But I don’t like pain, I don’t like facing things, or so I realize now. All I knew then was it wasn’t that bad, I just sort of justified it for myself, I mean I was still cool wasn’t I, that made me OK. I felt very guilty though; I basically broke off my relationship with God. I couldn’t face Him. This time I had gone too far. I would just have to survive on my own.
I stayed friends with David, pretended nothing ever happened. That didn’t stop the rumours though; people were talking . . . a lot. They knew I had slept over, they knew I had been drunk; they knew David. I learnt how to lie, quickly. I wasn’t gonna allow my secret to come out. I denied it left and right; soon I could lie without even thinking. I lied to everybody, especially my parents.
I started to really enjoy this new life, partied a lot, hung out with my cool crowd, kissed a few guys, flirted with a lot of guys, lost myself, forgot my truths. I appeared happy, I tried to convince myself I was, but it was an act.
I had a hole inside.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Trapped in Freedom
A young girl entering a grown up’s world
A young girl blinded by foolishness
If only then I had known what it meant
If only then I had held on tighter
Why did I listen to what the world told me?
Why didn’t I listen to my hearts cry?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?
The sweet sounds of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of stranger
The liquid’s crispness on my lips
The whirl of undiscovered places in my head
Right and wrong, a confusion of words
Cry, laugh, scream, silence
A well of tears as it drifts away
A stubborn heart won’t face the void
Why did I allow you to try, to succeed?
Why did I surround myself with this?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?
The sweet sound of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of a stranger
The sweet freedom drowned in bitterness
The young girl trapped, her innocence stolen.
I could’ve done more
Maybe he would’ve listened
I should’ve been stronger
Maybe he would’ve given up
I’m the one to blame
I gave consent
It was against my will
But I said yes in the end
It was against my will
I should’ve said no again
Again again again
The sweet sound that lured me into its trap
The seductive stranger that stole a piece of me
I won’t stop here, I’ll carry on.
The pain safely buried, unreachable.
A young girl blinded by foolishness
If only then I had known what it meant
If only then I had held on tighter
Why did I listen to what the world told me?
Why didn’t I listen to my hearts cry?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?
The sweet sounds of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of stranger
The liquid’s crispness on my lips
The whirl of undiscovered places in my head
Right and wrong, a confusion of words
Cry, laugh, scream, silence
A well of tears as it drifts away
A stubborn heart won’t face the void
Why did I allow you to try, to succeed?
Why did I surround myself with this?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?
The sweet sound of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of a stranger
The sweet freedom drowned in bitterness
The young girl trapped, her innocence stolen.
I could’ve done more
Maybe he would’ve listened
I should’ve been stronger
Maybe he would’ve given up
I’m the one to blame
I gave consent
It was against my will
But I said yes in the end
It was against my will
I should’ve said no again
Again again again
The sweet sound that lured me into its trap
The seductive stranger that stole a piece of me
I won’t stop here, I’ll carry on.
The pain safely buried, unreachable.
My Life Undone
Popularity, every school kids dream. I could pick between the guys, I got attention. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Everything I had ever wanted, Right?
I started becoming friends with a group of girls who were basically the 'head girl' group. The typical prefect candidates, the right kind of friends. But, I didn;t feel welcome yet again, I was the odd one out, and the new found glory had gone to my head, I liked the idea of being able to pick my friends, and I was still seeking complete acceptance, so I looked for new friends, cooler friends.
I ended up becoming friends with the so called 'wash-outs', the naughty yet very hot boys. We were three girls, friends with a bunch of boys. They accepted me, can't really say the reasons were good ones though, at least for some of them. I started kind of dating the one guy, very hot, but that was about it! hehe
At this stage of my life I had never been drunk before. I had had one or two drinks with friends, but never a lot. So, when my new friends invited me to go watch rugby and party with them I didn't hesitate to go. When I arrived they were already going strong. After the rugby we were invited to one of the booths at the stadium to have a few drinks with some other friends, free. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to have my first real experience with alcohol, I mean, I was with my friends, they would take care of me, I was safe, Right? Well they did take care of me, in more ways than one.
As we were all walking away from the booth, everybody very jolly, my one friend, David, informed me that my 'boyfriend' had just asked him if it was OK if he went for his ex, so much for our bright future. I was hurt, and mad, I wanted to spite him, so I kissed David as soon as we had dropped him off at home. We soon arrived at David's house, and hormones were flying. I was drunk, but I was uncomfortable. I could sense trouble coming.
I started becoming friends with a group of girls who were basically the 'head girl' group. The typical prefect candidates, the right kind of friends. But, I didn;t feel welcome yet again, I was the odd one out, and the new found glory had gone to my head, I liked the idea of being able to pick my friends, and I was still seeking complete acceptance, so I looked for new friends, cooler friends.
I ended up becoming friends with the so called 'wash-outs', the naughty yet very hot boys. We were three girls, friends with a bunch of boys. They accepted me, can't really say the reasons were good ones though, at least for some of them. I started kind of dating the one guy, very hot, but that was about it! hehe
At this stage of my life I had never been drunk before. I had had one or two drinks with friends, but never a lot. So, when my new friends invited me to go watch rugby and party with them I didn't hesitate to go. When I arrived they were already going strong. After the rugby we were invited to one of the booths at the stadium to have a few drinks with some other friends, free. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to have my first real experience with alcohol, I mean, I was with my friends, they would take care of me, I was safe, Right? Well they did take care of me, in more ways than one.
As we were all walking away from the booth, everybody very jolly, my one friend, David, informed me that my 'boyfriend' had just asked him if it was OK if he went for his ex, so much for our bright future. I was hurt, and mad, I wanted to spite him, so I kissed David as soon as we had dropped him off at home. We soon arrived at David's house, and hormones were flying. I was drunk, but I was uncomfortable. I could sense trouble coming.
So I warned him, a few times, that we must be careful, we must not sleep together. He agreed of course, every time. Eventually he informed me that I would be sharing his bed with him, I didn't care, especially in my state, I just wanted to go to bed. He just wanted to carry on kissing me. I carried on telling him that I didn't want to sleep with him, he started trying anyway. I carried on saying no, he carried on trying. Eventually I gave in, he wasn't gonna stop anyway, and I wasn't thinking straight. I lost my virginity that night.
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