Thursday, September 18, 2008

Guilt . . . Running away . . . Poison . . .

And so I went on my first guilt trip. My first game of hide and go seek with God. I blamed myself of course. But I don’t like pain, I don’t like facing things, or so I realize now. All I knew then was it wasn’t that bad, I just sort of justified it for myself, I mean I was still cool wasn’t I, that made me OK. I felt very guilty though; I basically broke off my relationship with God. I couldn’t face Him. This time I had gone too far. I would just have to survive on my own.
I stayed friends with David, pretended nothing ever happened. That didn’t stop the rumours though; people were talking . . . a lot. They knew I had slept over, they knew I had been drunk; they knew David. I learnt how to lie, quickly. I wasn’t gonna allow my secret to come out. I denied it left and right; soon I could lie without even thinking. I lied to everybody, especially my parents.
I started to really enjoy this new life, partied a lot, hung out with my cool crowd, kissed a few guys, flirted with a lot of guys, lost myself, forgot my truths. I appeared happy, I tried to convince myself I was, but it was an act.
I had a hole inside.

No comments: