Sunday, September 21, 2008

Picked up . . . Finally

So on the 4th of January I started my mission year (it’s a performing arts ministry by the way). New faces, new people, new beginnings. Now in the past this had not been a good thing for me, but I was hoping this time would be different! I was right. This year has been amazing, I’ve learnt so much. God picked me up and turned my ashes into beauty.
In the first four months of the year we had training. In this time we learnt productions and attended teachings. The teachings were designed to help us grow spiritually through healing processes and by receiving new knowledge about God. Every morning we had a slot for bible study, and each day was filled with God. We also had an option to go for counseling. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, but I went anyway, just to make sure. I’m glad I did! At the sessions I started facing the pain of my past. The pain I had hidden away for so long. I started to experience freedom and forgiveness. I worked through both my bad experiences with men, and I forgave them. It wasn’t easy, but I learnt that “harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping you enemy will die” - Joyce Meyer. I also finally let go of the men who still had pieces of my heart. I had to have someone pray for me to break the soul ties, but once that was done, it made the whole process a whole lot easier. God really came through on His promises. But I still had a long road ahead of me. This year wasn’t all fun and games.

Psalm 73:26
“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.”

A Wounded Heart

Far away in the depth of me
In the shadows of my soul
My heart is playing childishly
Hiding in the darkest holes

Longing to be whole again
Longing to be loved
Yet scared of being scarred again
Wounded by given love

Run my fingers along the scars
Feel the cracks and holes
A hand tries to open them
Please God No!

My heart can’t be given again
I don’t know where it is
The pain has made it hide away
The pain of giving love
Please teach me how to love again
Go find my wounded heart
I long to give it away again
As a whole and flawless heart

The only one who can heal my pain
I’ve hidden from so long
How do I ask for your love again
Me, the dirty broken one

You say your mercy never ends
And I suppose it’s true
But am I worthy of your mercy God
Am I good enough for you?

Why won’t you give up on me?
Why don’t you ever let go?
Why is your love so comforting?
Why do I long for it so?

I know I’m the one that’s running
I know you’re always near
Give me the strength to turn around
And see that you are there

Summer Loving

I once again locked my emotions away at the back of my mind, refusing to tell anybody. I didn’t want to face it. I started partying a lot again. A few months later at an event I met a little heartbreaker named Wayne. As you’ve probably noticed, I looked for my love from guys. And a guy is never going to be able to give the love we desire, only God can give us that unconditional love. I hadn’t learnt that yet though. Anyway, Wayne was also a party animal, and boy was he sexy. He was a real gentleman, and he made me feel like a princess. We started dating. We went on holiday together, his parents loved me, my parents loved him; everything was perfect. So, I was once again in a relationship, but there was one difference, no matter how hard I tried to love Wayne, I couldn’t seem to find my heart. It was so far hidden away, not even I could find it. Only God would be able to teach me to love again.
I still had emptiness inside yet again, as I had once again let go of God. I was tired of trying . . . but God had not let go of me. Even though I had absolutely no relationship with God I still wanted to do the mission year. I had no idea why.

Psalm 71:1-3
“O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free. Be my rock of safety where I can always hide, give the order to save me, for you are my rock and fortress.”


I stayed out of any serious relationships for about a year. I attempted a relationship with God, and it went quite well. I never forgave myself though, and I never forgot the pieces of my heart. Michael stuck . . . I didn’t forget Sean either, missed him sometimes too. It took a lot to not run back to him. The thing is, I had been so young, and I had given so much. I was too young . . . if that’s one thing I’ve come to understand through al this It’s Song of Songs 3:5 “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.” I awoke Love too early. I gave too much too quickly. And it broke me. Some people have scars because of their childhoods, some people were abused . . . Me? I made my own decisions. I screwed up my own life. I wish I had just listened and not become so serious. I could’ve prevented so much pain, for me, and for others. I caused so much pain through my foolishness.
I decided to stop. I was doing very well, keeping to my new promises. I wasn’t exactly the most devoted Christian, but I was doing much better. It was about this time that I decided that I wanted to do a mission year the next year.
Around the second half of the year I started becoming closer with one of my friends from school. I liked him a lot, and he respected me. He would come over and watch DVDs and just hang out with me. He kissed me a few times, but that was it, he never even tried more. Anyway, one weekend he invited me to go to a 21st with him. We were going to go with his parents and sleep over at is uncle’s house as it was out of town. It was a lot of fun, but as at a typical 21st the alcohol was flowing. His mom is real party animal, and so is he, so we all just had fun. That night when we got to his uncle’s house he kissed me again, I noticed an aggression in him that I had not noticed before. He started forcing himself on me, and didn’t take no for an answer. That night was an exact repetition of the night at the rugby. It was too much for me to handle.
I once again completely ran away and hid away. As my one friend always says, it’s as if the higher you climb, the harder you fall. I had made so much progress, but after this happened I fell so hard it felt like I would never get up again. I was done trying.
I immediately told one of my Christian friends, he prayed for me and I asked for forgiveness, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t forgive myself. I hated myself too much.

Psalm 69:14-15
“Rescue me from the mud; don’t let me sink any deeper! Save me from those who hate me, and pull me from these deep waters. Don’t let the flood overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me.

God and Another secret revealed

My best friend at this stage, Sarah, was going through pretty much the same stuff as I was. She was also partying just as hard as I was. One of her Christian friends invited us to a sell group one evening. He said that he had been praying for her and that he was very worried about her. We thought he was crazy but we went anyway. There was a prophet at the sell that week who spoke truth into many people’s lives. Including Sarah’s and mine. It was amazing; he definitely got our attention. We made a new commitment to God that evening together. We started praying together and going to church and actually wanting to be there. It was amazing.
Sean stayed jealous. He just couldn’t seem to let go. My friend invited me to go on holiday, to Mozambique, with him December of my Gr. 11 year. I was very excited. Sean wasn’t excited when he found out though. Not at all. He wrote an sms, which in detail described everything I had ever done wrong, plus a few things he made up himself, and sent it to my mom. Ouch!
As I said before, the truth always comes out. At first I denied it, but as the evidence came out my parents knew it was true. So as as result of my stupidity, I once again caused so much pain . . . my parents had given me their trust even after I betrayed them, and I once again broke it. That was the first time I saw my dad cry. But I told them about my new commitment, and that I had already decided to stop, and start over. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually they believed me, and gave me another chance. God had reached me just in time, and luckily He had worked in my parent’s hearts.