Saturday, September 20, 2008

Guilt guilt guilt

Sean and I stayed friends well into the next year, but not just normal friends. Our physical relationship was too developed to just stop. I never committed again though. He even asked me to marry him; I was seventeen. He tried to get me pregnant. He probably could’ve succeeded, but God’s hand had been on me, and by His grace only had I never became pregnant. I attempted a relationship with God a few times, once again. But each time I recommitted, I would fall back. Sex was the one thing that made me feel so guilty that I would run away from God completely. I soon gave up, what’s the use of saying sorry if I’m just gonna do it again anyway. I was becoming more and more lost, and burying my heart deeper and deeper. Sean and I soon broke off the friendship, it was too much for him that I couldn’t commit, and I wasn’t gonna change my mind. So I carried on partying and running away. ‘Enjoying’ my so-called fun life.

A twisted circle of lies, hurt, sin and confusion

I now had soul ties with both Michael and Sean. Pieces of my heart were gone. I was broken and lost and I didn’t know what to do about it. And I couldn’t seem to forget these boys, especially Michael. My relationship with my parents was in shatters. Too many secrets and lies were between us. I started partying, running away from pain. My friends and I would sneak out and go to clubs. We would drink and play around with boys and just have fun. But I stayed empty, and no amount of partying could fill that void. Sean and I started dating again. We were together for a month, a month filled with nothing, I missed Michael, and he didn’t want me anymore. According to him, I had chosen Sean. He had started partying too.
When I broke up with Sean once again, I took my heart with me. I couldn’t take it anymore; I was determined to forget. I tried to get Michael back, but he was stubborn. I was hurting. I locked away my heart.
My relationship with God was nowhere to be found. I felt abandoned. But I was the one hiding away, not Him. I was the one trying to carry all my sin by myself. I couldn’t let go. I had given up trying. And even if God forgave me, how could I ever forgive myself?