The boy who completely stole my heart

I carried on trying to get out of my relationship, and continually confused myself about how I felt. Things between Sean and I were not going well; I was once again on the verge of leaving him when I went for coffee with one of my girlfriends. Whilst at the mall we ran in to one of her boyfriend’s friends. He seemed friendly, but I was determined to keep my eyes on one guy only. He invited us to come to one of his bands gigs that evening. I loved music so I was very excited to go. Michael: a singing guitarist who plays in a band; a bundle of energy with a whole lot of love to give. I don’t think I’ve ever been greeted with that much enthusiasm before, and once he got on the stage and picked up that guitar, it was over. I was in love. Michael was all the motivation I needed to finally break up with Sean. It wasn’t long before Michael and I were dating. And oh what a fun relationship we had. We were always out doing something: whether it was having a braai at his house, or a party, or going out for lunch, or a movie, going to gigs, or just chilling with his parents. I enjoyed every moment. He loved my music and was always motivating me to practice my guitar, and sing. He was the first person I could sing in front of without being shy. I knew he believed in me. We also spoke about the physical, I felt very guilty about my relationship with Sean, and I didn’t want it to happen again. Michael agreed.
Unfortunately, Sean was not taking the developments well at all. When he found out about Michael and me he phoned me and threw all kinds of threats of suicide at me. I didn’t know how to handle it, I hated seeing him hurt, but I couldn’t be trapped anymore. I was also struggling to get rid of habit. I was so used to being with Sean that I still missed him, even though Michael made me so happy. It’s so difficult to just forget about someone you loved for so long. This hurt Michael, but he still stayed with me and tried to help me get over Sean. About two months into our relationship Michael turned 18. We had a party for him on a plot just outside the city. It was awesome. That night one of his best friends died . . . It was horrible. He was devastated. But we went through it together and it brought us much closer. A lot of other things happened to him and me, that were bad which strengthened the bond between us. Anyway, back to his 18th. His parents and I also organized a surprise party for him, on the exact day, with just close friends at a restaurant he used to work for. What a jol, but things got a little bit out of hand when the manager arrived and started buying us shooters. We got hammered! When we got home, hormones were once again flying. We forgot our promise about the physical that evening, and I couldn’t look him in the eye the next morning. What had I done, why couldn’t I stop? I was so caught up in this circle of sin and I just couldn’t seem to get out.
I attempted to ask God to forgive me quite a few times before, but each time I would just fall back. I just couldn’t seem to stick to my promises. I hated myself for it.
The guilt was too much, and Michael could sense me pulling away. He thought it was because I was still caught up on Sean. We soon broke up.

Married at 15

Sean was so good to me; he really loved me. He smoked dagga, but he promised he would stop when he asked me out. I refused to date him if he carried on with that stuff. And so we started dating. But we were too serious. We slept together after we had been together for 4 months. We spent a lot of time together. I had almost no other friends. We would always be alone, always lying down, watching movies. I lost myself in the relationship, I lost my childishness, he forced me to grow up. I had always been a very loud, crazy type of girl who talked too much. He didn’t like that; it irritated him. He would constantly tell me to be quiet when we were in the public. But he loved me, and I loved him. I trusted him; I knew he would never hurt me on purpose. He had saved me from the world I had entered, the party world. My parents liked him, my dad wasn’t crazy about him, but they trusted me to choose my own boyfriends.
Sean still had friends, but I almost never saw them. Found out why when I discovered that he had been lying about his addiction to weed. He had never stopped. He had been lying for months.
That broke me. I had trusted him. I forgave him though, and we continued dating. I tried to get out a few times, but I couldn’t seem to completely let go. Out of habit, and fear, I stayed with him. We dated for a year.

My knight in shining Armour

During my party stage I started to long for love, a deeper love than just the physical. I wanted someone to love. One weekend my friends and I had thrown a house party at my house. I met Sean that night, an 18 year old stud. He lent us his speakers for the party. And he was just another boy with over-active hormones. The next evening I started receiving sms’s from a secret admirer, and what a charmer he had been. I wanted to know who it was though, who was this romantic boy that praised me so? Sean soon revealed himself, and I wasn’t impressed. He was a little bit otherwise. Not a typical pretty boy, and I liked pretty boys.
I had a fight with my mother one afternoon and decided to leave home. I was tired of all the crap. I wanted to do my own thing. Sean stayed just down the road from me, so I decided to give him a call. He welcomed me into his house, even though he wasn’t there; he said it would be open. I had been there for about 5 min when my mom informed me that she knew exactly where I was, the workers had seen me, I had to go home.
I invited him over the next day for coffee to say thank you for his hospitality, and his speakers were still at my house. We ended up having quite a good time, it seemed he wasn’t as bad as I had thought, and the chemistry was good. Definitely good enough to be a potential boyfriend. That evening we shared our first kiss, that evening I entered into my first really serious relationship.

The truth always comes out!

I couldn’t write down what had happened to me for a very long time. That made it real. I did however tell Lucy, even though we hadn’t really clicked at school, I still trusted her. I needed someone to confide in. She decided to tell her mom, who just happened to be my mom’s best friend. And her mom, of course, told my mom.
I had finally decided it was time to face reality and write about that night in my journal, the next day my mom went to my journal to seek evidence of what she had heard. Just my luck. The truth always comes out. I couldn’t deny it anymore. They knew, and they were so disappointed! It killed me to see them that way. I was so angry with Lucy, why had she been so stupid? But had she really been stupid? Or had she just been a friend who really loved me. Having my parents know really helped me. The secret had built such a wall between us, my guilt had pushed me away from them; fear had pushed me away from them. But now, they could help me through it, they could support me. I am really lucky to have the parents that I do; they really loved me through everything.
It wasn’t all fun and games though; they became stricter and set more boundaries. I hated it then, I’m thankful for it now.

Proverbs 28:7
“Young people who obey the law are wise; those with wild friends bring shame to their parents”

Guilt . . . Running away . . . Poison . . .

And so I went on my first guilt trip. My first game of hide and go seek with God. I blamed myself of course. But I don’t like pain, I don’t like facing things, or so I realize now. All I knew then was it wasn’t that bad, I just sort of justified it for myself, I mean I was still cool wasn’t I, that made me OK. I felt very guilty though; I basically broke off my relationship with God. I couldn’t face Him. This time I had gone too far. I would just have to survive on my own.
I stayed friends with David, pretended nothing ever happened. That didn’t stop the rumours though; people were talking . . . a lot. They knew I had slept over, they knew I had been drunk; they knew David. I learnt how to lie, quickly. I wasn’t gonna allow my secret to come out. I denied it left and right; soon I could lie without even thinking. I lied to everybody, especially my parents.
I started to really enjoy this new life, partied a lot, hung out with my cool crowd, kissed a few guys, flirted with a lot of guys, lost myself, forgot my truths. I appeared happy, I tried to convince myself I was, but it was an act.
I had a hole inside.

Trapped in Freedom

A young girl entering a grown up’s world
A young girl blinded by foolishness
If only then I had known what it meant
If only then I had held on tighter

Why did I listen to what the world told me?
Why didn’t I listen to my hearts cry?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?

The sweet sounds of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of stranger
The liquid’s crispness on my lips
The whirl of undiscovered places in my head

Right and wrong, a confusion of words
Cry, laugh, scream, silence
A well of tears as it drifts away
A stubborn heart won’t face the void

Why did I allow you to try, to succeed?
Why did I surround myself with this?
Why didn’t I hold on tighter?

The sweet sound of an unfamiliar freedom
Seductive on the lips of a stranger
The sweet freedom drowned in bitterness
The young girl trapped, her innocence stolen.

I could’ve done more
Maybe he would’ve listened
I should’ve been stronger
Maybe he would’ve given up
I’m the one to blame
I gave consent
It was against my will
But I said yes in the end
It was against my will
I should’ve said no again
Again again again

The sweet sound that lured me into its trap
The seductive stranger that stole a piece of me
I won’t stop here, I’ll carry on.
The pain safely buried, unreachable.

My Life Undone

Popularity, every school kids dream. I could pick between the guys, I got attention. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Everything I had ever wanted, Right?
I started becoming friends with a group of girls who were basically the 'head girl' group. The typical prefect candidates, the right kind of friends. But, I didn;t feel welcome yet again, I was the odd one out, and the new found glory had gone to my head, I liked the idea of being able to pick my friends, and I was still seeking complete acceptance, so I looked for new friends, cooler friends.
I ended up becoming friends with the so called 'wash-outs', the naughty yet very hot boys. We were three girls, friends with a bunch of boys. They accepted me, can't really say the reasons were good ones though, at least for some of them. I started kind of dating the one guy, very hot, but that was about it! hehe
At this stage of my life I had never been drunk before. I had had one or two drinks with friends, but never a lot. So, when my new friends invited me to go watch rugby and party with them I didn't hesitate to go. When I arrived they were already going strong. After the rugby we were invited to one of the booths at the stadium to have a few drinks with some other friends, free. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to have my first real experience with alcohol, I mean, I was with my friends, they would take care of me, I was safe, Right? Well they did take care of me, in more ways than one.

As we were all walking away from the booth, everybody very jolly, my one friend, David, informed me that my 'boyfriend' had just asked him if it was OK if he went for his ex, so much for our bright future. I was hurt, and mad, I wanted to spite him, so I kissed David as soon as we had dropped him off at home. We soon arrived at David's house, and hormones were flying. I was drunk, but I was uncomfortable. I could sense trouble coming.

So I warned him, a few times, that we must be careful, we must not sleep together. He agreed of course, every time. Eventually he informed me that I would be sharing his bed with him, I didn't care, especially in my state, I just wanted to go to bed. He just wanted to carry on kissing me. I carried on telling him that I didn't want to sleep with him, he started trying anyway. I carried on saying no, he carried on trying. Eventually I gave in, he wasn't gonna stop anyway, and I wasn't thinking straight. I lost my virginity that night.

New Beginnings, not always so good

I had one other friend in Gr9. She was a hockey player, so spent most of her time with the hockey team. She was a good friend, but I still wanted acceptance.
We had a family friend whose daughter, Lucy, I had known since birth. She is one year younger than me and we always got on great. She attended another school though. Her school sounded fun and apparantly the clicks weren't as prominent as the school I attended. So, at the beginning of Gr.10 I decided to move schools.
Now, when I had started Gr.8 I hadn't exactly been a beauty. I had had very very curly hair, which I didn't know how to manage, braces, and no fashion sence what so ever. But by the end of Gr.9 I had discovered straighteners, make-up and fashion. Oh and my braces had been removed.
So when I started at the new school, I suddenly got noticed. I was the 'new girl'. Good or Bad?
I didn't know how to handle this sudden popularity, so in my case it turned out very bad.

Proverbs 11:2
"Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom"

My first high school failure

Sally, my first real friend in my new school. . . She seemed so nice, we got along great, and she liked me. Sometimes her stories seemed a bit far fetched, but hey we were friends. As we became closer, her true colours started to show. Man did she love boys, they didn't like her so much, but she liked to pretend they did. This was a bad combination. She was always going on about all her boyfriends. . . She even tried her luck with a few of the older boys, so she started to get a reputation. I was her best friend, so guess what happened to me? It was assumed I was the same. Soon we had a whole bunch of enemies, a lot of them had been potential friends, especially older girls. I stayed friends with Sally that year despite the bad stuff. I'm the type of person who likes to c the good in people, and we had good times, but after a while I couldn't handle the reputation anymore.
We ended our friendship and I set out to redeem myself. I guess what you think of yourself influences what others think of you and how they experience you a lot. I didn't like myself, I irritated myself, and so others didn't like me much either. That was one skew circle that wasn't gonna end until I made some changes and did something about it.

Isiah 53:5
"But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed."

Christianity

Earlier I spoke a little about Christianity, and what role it played in my life. . . To add some depth to that: My religious life was like a roller coaster. I went through highs and lows, I could never find a balance. When we made the big move in Gr 4 we joined a church in our street, I went to Sunday school etc. but it was all just a habit. When I was in Gr 7 we moved churches. Our new church was much more lively, and they had services especially for the youth. This way of ministering was much more appealing to me, and got my attention. I made my first personal commitment to God that year, I can't remember the exact date. . . Unfortunately I didn't grasp the fact that a relationship with God was not all that different to a relationship with a friend: it was a two sided thing, I had to make an effort too. And I didn't, I didn't understand how, nor did I have the desire to do so yet. . . So that didn't last very long. . .

High School continued

Jack and Natalie were Gr 10 when i started high school. Jack's brother was matric and had a car! I got a lift with him in the mornings, I thought I was super cool driving around with a matric. Unfortunately when I got out of the car in the morning, our friendship with my housemates pretty much got put on hold till we got home. They weren't so cool after all, and they were older, so they didn't really want to be seen hanging out with a Gr 8. I tried spending time with them in the beginning, but soon gave up. It wasn't working. So the plan of having them as my friends in high school pretty much failed. Might as well have gone to a school with my primary school friends, atleast then i would've known somebody who was going through the same changes I was, and who was the same age as me. But I had made the decision, and now I had to try and make the best of it. I didn't like myself very much at that stage of my life. I based my opinion of myself on what others thought of me, and not on what God thought of me. That's where I made my mistake.

"But I have come to understand that I do not have to be perfect in order to receive acceptance, love, and help from the Lord, neither do you." -Joyce Meyer-

Fitting in

Initiation was fun, I started meeting new people and I loved the school spirit. I was a bit lost though as most of the girls had already formed clicks. I didn't fit in anywhere. There were a few other people who were alone, but they soon found spots amongst the clicks as they had something in common with them. For example, the whole hockey team were friends, same with netball, and all the skaters hung out together, then off course there were all the clever kids who studied hard, and the computer fanatics, oh, and the ballerina's. . . I couldn't be classified in any of these groups. I did good academically, but still hated studying, and I loved music, but that was about it. So, i swerved from one group to the next not ever really feeling comfortable or accepted in any of them. It felt like a replay of primary school, rejection seemed to be following me no matter how hard i tried to run from it.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me."

Fearfull choices

So, primary school ended and I was faced with the big decision of which high school to attend the next year. Seeing as I had basically no friends in my primary school, i chose the high school my friends from the estate attended. I was the only kid in my primary school going there. I walked in the first day alone, not knowing anybody my age. I was excited, yet terrified.

Prov 3:24,24
"you can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. . . For the Lord is you security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap."

Jack

Jack, my first real crush, my first real boyfriend, my first real heart break. He taught me so much, i mean he gave me my first kiss, my first physical love from a boy. He was the first guy who really liked me in a relationship way, he accepted me.
I realise now that i had been too young to have already had a heart break, to already she tears over a boy, way too young to have been exploring that kind of love.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me."

Home is where the heart is!

The end of Gr 5 we moved to an estate. I have a little brother by the way. He's 3 years younger than me, and at that stage of my life, the most irritating person on earth.
Anyway, it this estate i met some new people. . . One was an older boy named Jack, oooh and how fascinating and attractive he was! We became friends when i was in Gr 6. He was in Gr 8, so he was older and attractive and he gave me the time of day, so you can just imagine how intrigued i was. He also had an older brother who was in Gr 10. They became like my two older brothers, and they taught me a lot. I really loved those boys, but i didn't only want to be friends with Jack, i wanted him to be my first real boyfriend. I made some other friends aswell. One girl, Natalie, was the same age as Jack. She encouraged me to grow up before my time, wasn't really a wise decision on my part to become her friend. She introduced me to alcohol, lies and many other things. Memories of that stage of my life are quite vague, but one experience i very clearly recall is my first kiss. Natalie knew about my crush, and she loved encouraging it. So somewhere in the beginning of Gr 7 she dared me to kiss Jack. . . I was naive and wanted a kiss, so i took up the dare, it was quite an embarrassing experience. Not exactly a dream come true first kiss, but i made the choice!
At the end of Gr 7 he finally noticed me in a different way, and we started dating.

Rom 10:10
"for it is by beleiving in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved."

OK Let's begin

The best place to start. . . The beginning
I grew up in a happy home: I had loving parents, wonderful grandparents and a home filled with laughter and music (one thing I remember clearly, daddy loved music!)So basically, I can't blame my parents or my childhood for the things that happened to me and the decisions I made, I screwed up my life all on my own!

God had always been a part of my life. I was part of a Christian household, we attended church, I was baptized etc. but I never had a personal relationship with God. I never made my own a decision to follow Him. . . But more about that later.

When I finished Gr3 we moved to a different city. My dad had been offered a new position at work. So, that meant new house, new neighbourhood, new friends, new everything! I didn't mind much though, I was pretty happy go lucky!

Primary school pretty much came and went.
The only issues I really had was keeping friends, and I was kind of invisible. I always wanted to be seen. Not fitting in was something that bothered me. I wasn't as skinny as the other girls, my hair didn't look like theirs, I didn't dance as well as they did, the boys didn't like me as much as they liked them, I got told I was irratating, I spoke too much, and I laughed funny. I was the one who would regularly be targetted when they played pee-shooting games (and it wasn't always with little pieces of paper), I don't even remember how many times they made me cry. . . Hiding unhappiness was something I was good at though, even from myself.

I had a new best friend every year. . . I had one boyfriend in school, who ended up leaving me for my best friend at that stage. And it seemed to me that only the dorky boys crushed on me, and I wanted to be cool. . .

A highlight of my gr 7 year: My so called best friend at that stage, Lucy (for my own safety, and the safety of others I'm using fictitious names), started writing me horrible letters about how bad and stupid and irratating I was (some best friend hey), but anyway, my mom found the letters in my suitcase and decided to phone her mom and do something about it. When I found this out, I was very mad of course. . . Lucy showed up the next day at school with puffy red eyes. Her mom had decided to deal with her on the way to school that morning. So obviously it was all my fault, that was the worst day of my primary school career. The girls harrassed me, chased me all the way to the bathroom. My brother got so scared that he ended up phoning my mom.

I started conforming to the way us kids thought we should be, too be cool. I succeeded, and I had been chosen as a prefect, so by the end of Gr7 I was pretty cool, not as much as the group, but I was getting there. . . Dunno how many masks I was wearing though. . .

So life at school. . . it basically Sucked!

This is me

In short. . . I had the perfect childhood, then I got a taste of popularity, alcohol, and sex. I've been raped, practically married, broken, completely lost and I'm 18. But I got through it, and even though it may sound like a cliche, I came out at the other end a better person. . . One good thing about my story? I can share it, and hopefully spare other girls from having to go through it all to learn what I have learned. . . Hopefully they can learn from my story.

Over the next few weeks I am going to share my story on this blog. Make of it what you want, take from it what you can, but please read it with an open heart.