Christianity

Earlier I spoke a little about Christianity, and what role it played in my life. . . To add some depth to that: My religious life was like a roller coaster. I went through highs and lows, I could never find a balance. When we made the big move in Gr 4 we joined a church in our street, I went to Sunday school etc. but it was all just a habit. When I was in Gr 7 we moved churches. Our new church was much more lively, and they had services especially for the youth. This way of ministering was much more appealing to me, and got my attention. I made my first personal commitment to God that year, I can't remember the exact date. . . Unfortunately I didn't grasp the fact that a relationship with God was not all that different to a relationship with a friend: it was a two sided thing, I had to make an effort too. And I didn't, I didn't understand how, nor did I have the desire to do so yet. . . So that didn't last very long. . .

High School continued

Jack and Natalie were Gr 10 when i started high school. Jack's brother was matric and had a car! I got a lift with him in the mornings, I thought I was super cool driving around with a matric. Unfortunately when I got out of the car in the morning, our friendship with my housemates pretty much got put on hold till we got home. They weren't so cool after all, and they were older, so they didn't really want to be seen hanging out with a Gr 8. I tried spending time with them in the beginning, but soon gave up. It wasn't working. So the plan of having them as my friends in high school pretty much failed. Might as well have gone to a school with my primary school friends, atleast then i would've known somebody who was going through the same changes I was, and who was the same age as me. But I had made the decision, and now I had to try and make the best of it. I didn't like myself very much at that stage of my life. I based my opinion of myself on what others thought of me, and not on what God thought of me. That's where I made my mistake.

"But I have come to understand that I do not have to be perfect in order to receive acceptance, love, and help from the Lord, neither do you." -Joyce Meyer-

Fitting in

Initiation was fun, I started meeting new people and I loved the school spirit. I was a bit lost though as most of the girls had already formed clicks. I didn't fit in anywhere. There were a few other people who were alone, but they soon found spots amongst the clicks as they had something in common with them. For example, the whole hockey team were friends, same with netball, and all the skaters hung out together, then off course there were all the clever kids who studied hard, and the computer fanatics, oh, and the ballerina's. . . I couldn't be classified in any of these groups. I did good academically, but still hated studying, and I loved music, but that was about it. So, i swerved from one group to the next not ever really feeling comfortable or accepted in any of them. It felt like a replay of primary school, rejection seemed to be following me no matter how hard i tried to run from it.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me."

Fearfull choices

So, primary school ended and I was faced with the big decision of which high school to attend the next year. Seeing as I had basically no friends in my primary school, i chose the high school my friends from the estate attended. I was the only kid in my primary school going there. I walked in the first day alone, not knowing anybody my age. I was excited, yet terrified.

Prov 3:24,24
"you can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. . . For the Lord is you security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap."

Jack

Jack, my first real crush, my first real boyfriend, my first real heart break. He taught me so much, i mean he gave me my first kiss, my first physical love from a boy. He was the first guy who really liked me in a relationship way, he accepted me.
I realise now that i had been too young to have already had a heart break, to already she tears over a boy, way too young to have been exploring that kind of love.

Psalm 16:8
"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me."

Home is where the heart is!

The end of Gr 5 we moved to an estate. I have a little brother by the way. He's 3 years younger than me, and at that stage of my life, the most irritating person on earth.
Anyway, it this estate i met some new people. . . One was an older boy named Jack, oooh and how fascinating and attractive he was! We became friends when i was in Gr 6. He was in Gr 8, so he was older and attractive and he gave me the time of day, so you can just imagine how intrigued i was. He also had an older brother who was in Gr 10. They became like my two older brothers, and they taught me a lot. I really loved those boys, but i didn't only want to be friends with Jack, i wanted him to be my first real boyfriend. I made some other friends aswell. One girl, Natalie, was the same age as Jack. She encouraged me to grow up before my time, wasn't really a wise decision on my part to become her friend. She introduced me to alcohol, lies and many other things. Memories of that stage of my life are quite vague, but one experience i very clearly recall is my first kiss. Natalie knew about my crush, and she loved encouraging it. So somewhere in the beginning of Gr 7 she dared me to kiss Jack. . . I was naive and wanted a kiss, so i took up the dare, it was quite an embarrassing experience. Not exactly a dream come true first kiss, but i made the choice!
At the end of Gr 7 he finally noticed me in a different way, and we started dating.

Rom 10:10
"for it is by beleiving in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved."

OK Let's begin

The best place to start. . . The beginning
I grew up in a happy home: I had loving parents, wonderful grandparents and a home filled with laughter and music (one thing I remember clearly, daddy loved music!)So basically, I can't blame my parents or my childhood for the things that happened to me and the decisions I made, I screwed up my life all on my own!

God had always been a part of my life. I was part of a Christian household, we attended church, I was baptized etc. but I never had a personal relationship with God. I never made my own a decision to follow Him. . . But more about that later.

When I finished Gr3 we moved to a different city. My dad had been offered a new position at work. So, that meant new house, new neighbourhood, new friends, new everything! I didn't mind much though, I was pretty happy go lucky!

Primary school pretty much came and went.
The only issues I really had was keeping friends, and I was kind of invisible. I always wanted to be seen. Not fitting in was something that bothered me. I wasn't as skinny as the other girls, my hair didn't look like theirs, I didn't dance as well as they did, the boys didn't like me as much as they liked them, I got told I was irratating, I spoke too much, and I laughed funny. I was the one who would regularly be targetted when they played pee-shooting games (and it wasn't always with little pieces of paper), I don't even remember how many times they made me cry. . . Hiding unhappiness was something I was good at though, even from myself.

I had a new best friend every year. . . I had one boyfriend in school, who ended up leaving me for my best friend at that stage. And it seemed to me that only the dorky boys crushed on me, and I wanted to be cool. . .

A highlight of my gr 7 year: My so called best friend at that stage, Lucy (for my own safety, and the safety of others I'm using fictitious names), started writing me horrible letters about how bad and stupid and irratating I was (some best friend hey), but anyway, my mom found the letters in my suitcase and decided to phone her mom and do something about it. When I found this out, I was very mad of course. . . Lucy showed up the next day at school with puffy red eyes. Her mom had decided to deal with her on the way to school that morning. So obviously it was all my fault, that was the worst day of my primary school career. The girls harrassed me, chased me all the way to the bathroom. My brother got so scared that he ended up phoning my mom.

I started conforming to the way us kids thought we should be, too be cool. I succeeded, and I had been chosen as a prefect, so by the end of Gr7 I was pretty cool, not as much as the group, but I was getting there. . . Dunno how many masks I was wearing though. . .

So life at school. . . it basically Sucked!

This is me

In short. . . I had the perfect childhood, then I got a taste of popularity, alcohol, and sex. I've been raped, practically married, broken, completely lost and I'm 18. But I got through it, and even though it may sound like a cliche, I came out at the other end a better person. . . One good thing about my story? I can share it, and hopefully spare other girls from having to go through it all to learn what I have learned. . . Hopefully they can learn from my story.

Over the next few weeks I am going to share my story on this blog. Make of it what you want, take from it what you can, but please read it with an open heart.