Men

I did fall again this year. A guy who is on team with me caught me off guard with an amazing friendship. One thing led to another and I started liking for him, a lot. We both tried to run but it just didn’t seem to work. I had my promise to consider.
We were basically in a relationship without a title. It was a healthy relationship in many ways, but neither of us was really ready to be in a relationship, and I’m still not ready to get married. I’m still on the journey of finding my heart. I still can’t give it away. I knew I wasn’t ready, but I was stubborn, I wanted to do my own thing. I was reluctant to obey what God had been telling me the whole year. This carried on for months, but eventually I had to tell him no. It was very difficult, as he had given a lot. I could’ve avoided some of the pain if I had just been obedient, but I didn’t. Luckily I listened eventually, otherwise it could’ve been worse. Also, one day as I was reading Song of Songs, a verse there caught my eye. I’ve read this book many times before, but this time that one specific verse stood out. Song of Songs 2:7b “for why should I wander like a prostitute among your friends and their flocks.” This gave me new motivation to stick to my promise.
The guy and I are friends now, and it all turned out ok. I learnt a lot, and I managed to control myself a whole lot better than in the past.
So just because God is in my life now, doesn’t mean everything is going to smooth from now. I still make a whole lot of mistakes, but instead of running away and hiding from God, I run straight towards Him and I say sorry. And then I accept His forgiveness. It makes all the difference.

Proverbs 6:22
“An evil man is held captive by his sin; they are ropes that catch and hold him”
Isaiah 1:18
“Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are like red crimson, I will make them white as snow.”

Acceptance

As I started the process of making new friends, the effects of my school days came out. I was still seeking acceptance. I didn’t realize how much I relied on it until I went back into my past and saw how much rejection I had actually experienced. I never even realized it before. But now I could work on it. I have to keep reminding myself that only God’s opinion counts when I want to change myself to fit in. I keep reprimanding myself, and I think about what I’m doing more because now I know that I have a problem. And it’s been going really well. Since I’ve forgiven myself, and started loving myself, others have loved me more as well, they have loved the real me, not me plus alcohol, or whatever other masks I use to wear. I have finally found a freedom that’s real. A freedom in God. But don’t think everything’s perfect now. I still struggle a lot, but now I’m not doing it alone. I have God to help me, and the Holy Spirit to guide me.

Matt 18:19-20
“I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in Heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as followers, I am there among them.”

The Promise

During our training period I realized that being with Wayne was not good for me anymore. He was at his first year of university and I was on a mission year. I was slowly but surely stopping my old life, and he was getting deeper and deeper into partying. We were fighting more and more, and it just wasn’t working. I also felt God urging me to leave him, I was just going to hurt him as I was far from ready to be in a relationship. So, I left him, and it wasn’t easy. But after four months of being together it probably should’ve been even harder. That’s when I realized how far away I had really buried my heart.
I made a promise to stay single until I’m ready to get married, and until I’m pretty sure the boy has potential to become my husband. My new view on relationships is that when you enter into a relationship, there are only two possible endings: you either get married, or you break up. So if you’re not ready to get married, well chances are you’re going to break up and get hurt, as well as cause hurt. I don’t want that ending anymore.
I still struggled with the pain I had caused in my past. It took very long for me to forgive myself, but eventually I did. And I could move on, and become closer to God. My biggest challenge would be to learn to seek love from God and not from men. And that sounds a whole lot easier than it is. Old habits die hard. But I knew God would help me, and that I would get there eventually.

Proverbs 3:12
“For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights”