Matric

I stayed out of any serious relationships for about a year. I attempted a relationship with God, and it went quite well. I never forgave myself though, and I never forgot the pieces of my heart. Michael stuck . . . I didn’t forget Sean either, missed him sometimes too. It took a lot to not run back to him. The thing is, I had been so young, and I had given so much. I was too young . . . if that’s one thing I’ve come to understand through al this It’s Song of Songs 3:5 “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.” I awoke Love too early. I gave too much too quickly. And it broke me. Some people have scars because of their childhoods, some people were abused . . . Me? I made my own decisions. I screwed up my own life. I wish I had just listened and not become so serious. I could’ve prevented so much pain, for me, and for others. I caused so much pain through my foolishness.
I decided to stop. I was doing very well, keeping to my new promises. I wasn’t exactly the most devoted Christian, but I was doing much better. It was about this time that I decided that I wanted to do a mission year the next year.
Around the second half of the year I started becoming closer with one of my friends from school. I liked him a lot, and he respected me. He would come over and watch DVDs and just hang out with me. He kissed me a few times, but that was it, he never even tried more. Anyway, one weekend he invited me to go to a 21st with him. We were going to go with his parents and sleep over at is uncle’s house as it was out of town. It was a lot of fun, but as at a typical 21st the alcohol was flowing. His mom is real party animal, and so is he, so we all just had fun. That night when we got to his uncle’s house he kissed me again, I noticed an aggression in him that I had not noticed before. He started forcing himself on me, and didn’t take no for an answer. That night was an exact repetition of the night at the rugby. It was too much for me to handle.
I once again completely ran away and hid away. As my one friend always says, it’s as if the higher you climb, the harder you fall. I had made so much progress, but after this happened I fell so hard it felt like I would never get up again. I was done trying.
I immediately told one of my Christian friends, he prayed for me and I asked for forgiveness, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t forgive myself. I hated myself too much.

Psalm 69:14-15
“Rescue me from the mud; don’t let me sink any deeper! Save me from those who hate me, and pull me from these deep waters. Don’t let the flood overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me.